It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
