i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
