dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
