we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
