I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
