woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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