4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
