my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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