Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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