The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
