she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
