either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
