Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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