I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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