does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
