Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
