The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
