i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
