even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
