She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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