I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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