Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
