I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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