I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
