Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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