The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
