i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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