I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
