Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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