im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize