Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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