I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
