On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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