The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
