How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
