you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
