If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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