She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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