There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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