I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
