Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
