It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
