he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
