She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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