Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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