areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
