I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
