I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Randomize
