The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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