Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
