You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
