I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
