the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
