Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just googled if crying burns calories
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
