You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
