i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize