non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My life is pants optional.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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