Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
